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The Austerity Express
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 It’s totally fun when austerity is taken as a serious matter.
by
C.V. Aravind
Ever since the Indian Finance
Minister publicly ticked
of 2 of his Cabinet
colleagues for
luxuriating in 5-star
hotels, albeit at their own
expense, the country has
been in the grip of an
austerity drive, the likes of
which have never been seen
before. If the Union Minister
for Agriculture has had to
squeeze his portly frame
into an economy-class airline
seat, keeping him company is
none other than the Congress
Party President, who has
suddenly realised that she has no
business to travel business-class —
especially when she is not travelling
on business.
“Mum’s the word,” says her
dear son, who has gone one better
and boarded a train to save some
money for the national exchequer.
Our roving reporter recently sent us
this summary of a meeting of
ministry officials in Delhi, which
reflects the urgency of the UPA, the
(U)ltimate in (P)robity and
(A)usterity Alliance, to impose
stringent austerity.
Minister: Well, gentlemen, take
your seats. I hope all of you have
brought your own stationery. Don’t
ask for pens or refills; we aren’t
supplying any.
Official I: I had promised my
daughter that I would bring back a
nice pen from this
meeting. Now her
dreams are dashed.
Minister: We have
dispensed with the OP
(Overhead Projector).
So, one of you will have
to come and
demonstrate while I
reel off the figures.
Official II: At this rate, we
will soon be going back to
the Stone Age.
Official III: Thank God for
small mercies — at least we
have a chair each to
ourselves and we don’t have
to share sitting space.
Minister: I am happy to
inform you that, ever since
we launched our austerity
drive, we have saved a
record 45,45,445.45 paise. I
have mentioned the paise
for, if you take care of the
paisas, the rupees will take
care of themselves.
(Refreshments arrive)
Official I: What is this?
Just half a samosa and half a
sandwich.
Official II: Haven’t you
heard the saying, ‘Half a loaf is
better than no bread?’
Official III (to the server): Make
my coffee without sugar, please.
Server: What do you mean?
Sugar has been out of
stock for 2 weeks now.
Whether you have
sugar or want sugar,
you get no sugar!
Official I: Three
cheers to the austerity
drive. I hope you two
have noticed that the
coffee is coming in plastic cups.
Official II: Big deal. The coffee
continues to taste like tap water...
Minister: We have lined up a few
trips for the three of you.
Officials I, II and III (Looking
forward to some foreign junkets):
Now that is something exciting.
Minister to Official I: You, Mr
Gupta, will undertake a tour to
Lajpat Nagar, Delhi. And mind you
no official car and no staying
overnight. Return the same night or
foot your hotel bills yourself. Now is
that understood?
Official I: (under this breath): I
was hoping he would send me at
least to Noida. I could have paid a
courtesy call to my friends.
Minister to Official II: Mr Mathur,
I am sending you to Chandni
Chowk. The instructions I have given
Mr Gupta hold good for you also.
Official II (under his breath): If I
was to go to Faridabad, I could at
least meet my in-laws.
Minister to Official III: Mr
Chauhan, you proceed to Karol
Bagh. And since it is walking
distance from the office, you can
proceed on foot. And no conveyance
bills please.
Officials I, II and III: Three cheers
to the austerity drive.
Minister: Yes, that’s the spirit.
And now please use the stairs to
descend. There is a notification from
the Power Ministry that we should
conserve electricity, so the lifts have
been switched off.
(The Minister and the Officials
walk down from the 14th floor and
almost drop dead by the time they
reach terra firma.)
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